


If Only

by CooperJR



Series: Gon gets Gone, Photo by K. Z. [5]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Alluka has a girlfriend, Alluka is an amazing sister, Alternate Universe - Journalism, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Consent is Sexy, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional, Gon Freecs Loves Killua Zoldyck, Gon has amnesia, Home, Hugs, Killua Zoldyck Loves Gon Freecs, Killua is a good brother, Kissing, Lots of Crying, M/M, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Returning Home, Rich Killua, Temporary Amnesia, Travel, Warnings at start of each chapter, Worldbuilding, i hurt myself, sensual, this one is painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27585929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CooperJR/pseuds/CooperJR
Summary: “Alright, sure. So if I’m about to leave with you...what’s your name?”Killua froze. His muscles hurt from how quickly he flinched at the question. He knew it was going to be asked, but it hurt all the same. “It’s… Killua.”~~~I've read too many amnesia fics where Kil loses his memory. So i decided to cause myself pain and write one where Gon loses HIS memory. *cries*
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: Gon gets Gone, Photo by K. Z. [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000959
Comments: 62
Kudos: 151





	1. Near Miss

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mentions being shot at. Mentions being in a hospital. 
> 
> Also please don't judge my poor description of flying a plane, I've barely looked at one, much less flown.

They were at a dead sprint down the runway. Killua could hear Gon laughing, the  _ psychopath _ , as the SUV barreled down behind them.

“Kil- Killua, you have to admit, the story would have been great-”

“Yeah- if you hadn’t just insulted the ri- richest guy in the country!”

The plane was just ahead-

“KILLUA!” Gon was grabbing him just as a bullet hit the concrete ahead of them. They landed hard, Killua falling onto him and a sickening crack as his head made contact with the concrete. Gon’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, grip slackening. 

“Fuck, shit- Gon, GON!” Killua shook his shoulders, but the SUV was still pulling up closer. Killua dragged Gon over his shoulders and carried him the rest of the way onto the plane. 

This could not be happening, this  _ could not- _

Killua could man the plane on his own. He started up the propeller. The tank was full, enough to get them to the next country over. He flipped switches and did  _ not _ look back until the plane was running. He put on the headset and buckled in. The plane spun to face down the runway, straight at the SUV. They swerved, but not without firing a few more shots that glanced off the windshield.

Once they had taken to the air for a few minutes, Killua set the plane to auto fly, then went back to check on Gon. “Hey, can you hear me?” He brought his head to Gon’s chest, hearing his steady heartbeat, similar to when he slept. Killua pulled his head into his lap, feeling through his coarse hair. He found a large knot in the back of his head. Killua released the breath he'd been holding when his hand came away with no blood. “Okay, no blood. You just knocked yourself out. Idiot. Fucking scared me.” Killua slowly stood and dragged him into the co-pilot seat. Buckling him in, he sat back in the pilot seat. “Just- I’m calling it, that we try for a few countries over, okay? Please, be okay.”

~

Several hours later, Killua found himself anxiously bouncing his leg, sitting in a waiting room in the hospital closest to the coast; he didn’t dare fly the small rig of his any further. He had thrown their belongings into both of the seats to his side, preventing anyone from sitting next to him, keeping a careful eye on his equipment and their clothes.

It wasn't even supposed to be a dangerous job. Interview a few farming families to see how they felt about the local animal reserve.

But  _ no, _ the reserve was mostly funded by some insane enthusiast that  _ happened _ to also be the lead in a drug circle. Try as much as he could, Killua hadn't been able to convince them they were just there for the animals and nothing to do with the drugs, but then Gon-

“Zoldyck?”

Killua shot up, feeling a creeping nostalgia of high school. He shouldered their packs before following the nurse down the hall, trying to hear them over his pounding heart.

“His...memory seems to be affected by the concussion. He knows a few details about himself, but were not sure how far back or how much is gone.”

Killua’s heart stopped pounding all together. “He...doesn't remember?”

“Yes, sir. Here, his room. He had no other injuries besides the concussion, and the swelling should go down in a few days. I understand you are traveling on a press visa?” Killua nodded, feeling stiff. “I would recommend you head home. The memory loss should be temporary, but being in a familiar location would fare him much better that a hotel.” The nurse tapped their clipboard, lips pursed. “I believe the sooner the better, considering how you arrived. His clothing is in the room. Once your two are ready to go the release papers will be at the front desk.”

They opened the door and gestured for Killua to enter. 

Gon wasn't in his hospital bed. Killua could hear the faucet running in the bathroom, so he took one of the single seat chairs that were close to the bed, bags left by the door. He pulled his phone out and went about booking the soonest possible plane tickets home.

Set for a flight in the next four hours, Killua went about googling ‘severe cases of amnesia.’ After filtering through Reddit posts and blogs about soap operas, he’d found at least a few solid articles.

When the door opened, he shoved his phone into his pocket and met Gon’s eyes.

He’d forgone the top and was just wearing the issued pants. His tan chest was still broad, well defined, and just as warm looking as usual. Killua had to stop himself from reaching out. “Hey, you're up,” he quipped.  _ Sound normal, like you usually do. _

Gon blinked, turning to the door, then back to Killua. His face seemed unreadable in the moment. “I’m...guessing you're not a doctor.”

Killua’s heart splintered. He hated everything. His very world seemed to be crashing around him. He hated the creeping sensation of some prophecy coming true, the truth of his deepest fear coming to the light: that Gon would wake up one day and leave him. No explanation, just gone.

This was almost as bad. But he...could think his way out of this. He had a plan. It had to work.

He’d teased Gon about being dense, but it had never been true. Rather, Gon took in the plain reality. The simpler the truth, the faster he grasped it as actuality. He knew when people were lying, had the freakish instinct to know when someone was putting on a farce or hiding something; he’d never dare to presume what it was. Where others would imagine the worst possible outcome, create suspicion where none was needed, Gon never did.. It was what it was. 

Killua hoped to God this would work in his favor.

Killua raised an eyebrow at him. “Nope, not a doctor. We ah… work together.” From what he had gathered from his brief google search, Gon would only remember on his own time. He had to drop hints to help trigger his memory, little details that people usually fill in the blanks with. It would be the fastest way for him to remember Ki- everything.

“Oh, so you were there when I hit my head. What happened, the nurse said we ran into some...bad circumstances?”

Killua suddenly remembered the nurses suggestion to leave as quickly as possible. He stood, shrugging. “Yeah, I was. You grabbed me so a bullet missed my head. You should get dressed, we need to be out of here sooner, rather than later.”

“A bullet?!” Gon shrieked.

“Quiet down, you- idiot!” Killua watched the door for a moment but no one came in to shush them. “I’m serious though, that nurse gave us sound advice about getting out and getting yo- us home. The flight is in a few hours so we can wait and talk in the airport, more public there.” He found the pile of clothes and threw the pants at Gon. He paused at the shirt….was that his?

Gon was staring at him, pants still held in one hand. “What...kind of work did you say we were in?”

Killua glared at him, more annoyed at Gon’s hesitancy than anything. “Do we really need to have this conversation right now?” Gon didn't move, a stubborn line to his mouth. Killua was very familiar with it. Sighing, he said, “Journalism, you write it, I shoot it. We mostly cover animal reserves, rescues, zoos, that sort of thing.”

“And you- you  _ shoot-” _

“With a  _ camera, _ Gon. I shoot photos. Of you, the animals, their caretakers. We work for a group, but essentially we send our work into Nat-Geo.”

“No way, National Geographic?!”

Killua rolled his eyes, pulling his phone out to scroll through his app with his magazine subscriptions. He pulled up his favorite issue. “This is from back in April. We went to North Asia, this is you with a fox cub that decided to get friendly with you.”

Killua still wondered if he'd get an award for this one. Gon had been laying on the ground on his belly, being as non-threatening as he could with his 5’ 10 frame. The mother fox was watching from a distance, one other cub by her legs, while the second had prowled close to Gon, also keeping low. The picture was them eyeing each other, chins to the ground, noses inches apart. It was a landscape frame, with Gon’s side profile on the right, the fox cub on the left with a slight angle towards the cub. 

Gon was staring at the photo in awe. “That’s me.”

“Yeah. I said that you were in some of my photos.” Killua closed the article, pocketing his phone again, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “Will you  _ please  _ get dressed so we can leave?”

“Alright, sure. So if I’m about to leave with you...what’s your name?”

Killua froze. His muscles hurt from how quickly he flinched at the question. He knew it was going to be asked, but it hurt all the same. He’d still been foolishly hoping... “It’s… Killua. Zoldyck. Killua Zoldyck.” He turned to the door, throwing the shirt on the chair, grabbing their bags, and shoving his hands in his coat pocket. They had begun to shake. “I'll wait for you in the hall.”


	2. Flight Home(?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon was also eyeing Killua’s meal. “You must have one hell of a sweet tooth.”
> 
> /‘Sweets for Killua, spice for me. We make some pair, huh, Kil~lu~a~?’/
> 
> “Just- Eat the satay before it gets cold.”

Waiting in the airport, standing somewhere just before their terminal, Gon had stepped away to use the restroom. Killua decided now was as good a time as any to make a call.

“We’re...coming home sooner than we thought.” Killua watched Gon disappear into the restroom.   
  


_ “What, why? Is everything okay? Are you hurt?” _

“I- I’m fine, really. Gon is…” Killua felt his throat tighten. “Gon hit his head. There's no major damage but he-” His lip began to tremble and tears started to water his vision. “He forgot me. Us. He doesn't know-” He gasped, rubbing at his eyes. “Sorry, I-'' He cleared his throat, but his voice sounded raw. “Gon has amnesia, so we’ll be home in a few hours. Don’t tell anyone, not yet. I’m hoping being home… being at home may help.”

_ “Alright, I won't, but Brother-” _

“Please, Alluka-” he croaked, “not right now, I’m barely keeping it together…. I have a long flight, but I’ll see you after. We’ll get an Uber or something. Try making that baked dish Gon always raves about. With the tater tots.” After he said it, Killua’s mind scrambled, wondering if Gon would even be interested in the dish.

_ “Yes, Brother. I love you.” _

“I love you.” He pocketed his phone, turning to find Gon looking at him, head tilted to the side.

“Who was that? I heard a girl's voice.”

Killua steeled his face as his mind played a cruel joke of remembering Gon saying,  _ ‘Aww, was that Alluka? You never let me talk to her!’  _ He carefully made a small smile. “That was Alluka, I was just telling her that we’re going to be home sooner that we had initially planned.” He still hoped the less details, the better to remember.

Gon pursed his lips. “She your girlfriend?”

Killua bit back a laugh. “No, my little sister. She stays at- at home while we travel. She’s in college right now for fashion.”

Gon looked Killua up and down before nodding. “If she looks anything like you, she’ll be very popular.” 

Killua’s face flushed. He turned away, walking to their gate.  _ Had that...been a pass on Killua?  _ “Fuck off, no way, she’s way prettier than me. But she's into design, not modeling.” He paused. “Her girlfriend is in modeling though, I think that's how they met.”

“That's sweet,” Gon replied, trailing behind him. “Your family is okay with that?”

Killua’s mouth twisted, “They don’t have anything to do with us. We left our family a few years ago.”

“Hmm?” Killua waited for the usual response he got from strangers, but instead- “They must be pretty awful if you two don’t want anything to do with them.”

Killua paused, half way from reaching into his pocket. He’d forgotten. Gon had acted the same back when they were kids, too. 

_ ‘They did that to you? Don’t worry, Killua, you can just stay with me!’  _

“Yeah. They are.”

They were quiet as they entered the plane. The stewardess led them to a curtained off part of the plane. “Here you are, Mister Zoldyck. For you and your party.” Killua nodded, taking a seat on the far left.

Gon starred as the stewardess left through the curtain, looking back and forth. “Aren't there...assigned seats? Other passengers in this area? We shouldn't just sit wherever...Mister Zoldyck.”

“Don’t-” Killua yelped, panic rising at the sudden distance he felt grow between him and Gon. He had never called Killua that, never- It was too alien, forign, in Gon’s voice. “Don’t call me that. I’m Killua. You- You just call me Killua. Please, just- just Killlua, Gon.” He took a deep breath, collecting himself again. “I reserved the first class seats for this flight. We’re the only ones in this part. We can talk freely. You can ask whatever you want.”

Gon scowled, blinking hard. “Are you rich?”

Killua scratched his neck. “Well...my parents are. My dad sends me and Alluka money every month. He calls it an allowance, but it would be enough for anyone to live comfortably on. I only use it for Alluka’s school, the house, and for emergencies. I’d say this falls under emergency use.”

Gon’s scowl remained, but he seemed to accept Killua’s words. “Okay. How long have I known you?”

Killua was looking at his cuticles. One had started to bleed. Gon would normally grab his hand and wrap an annoying bandaid around it. He’d thought he was doing better… “Well….I actually have a question for you. What do you remember?”

Gon blinked owlishly. “I… don’t know how to answer that. I can’t exactly tell you what I remember if I don't know what I forgot.” 

“Fair point. Okay, then lets try asking a question, one at a time, back and forth. I’ll take my question back and ask a different one, then you can ask one. Deal?”

Pausing, Gon looked around. “Is there food involved in this deal?”

“Not until the plane takes off. That's about twenty or thirty minutes from now. Then we can probably get an order of food in.” Killua paused, smiling at Gon. “You usually get orange juice, then whatever meal is the spiciest. I think that’ll involve chicken this time around.”

Gon’s face went blank, giving Killua a start. He hated when Gon did that- He carefully gestured towards the seat next to him. Gon took it, back rigid.

Killua leaned back, eyes half lidded. “Revised question. Do you remember going to school?”

“I...remember attending the really small school house on the island. Then Aunt Mito got me the scholarship for the boarding school in York New.”

“Whi-”

“Nope, my turn. How long have we known each other?”

“We...met at a run. A marathon. We ran into each other just before it started. We were the only kids there...so we ran the whole length. We wanted to see who could beat the other.” Killua paused. “We tied. That was when we were twelve.” Gon’s eyes grew bright. Killua was getting hopeful... Maybe this plane ride wouldn't be as terrible as he thought. “My turn. Which gr-” but stopped. With Gon’s memory of school, even before, he barely knew which school year started and ended. “What homeroom teacher do you remember having?”

“Wing- no wait. Bisky. Mrs. Krueger.” Gon blinked. “Wow. That…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “That brought back some memories, huh?”

Killua’s heart lurched, what-

“So tell me more about the marathon.”

“We, uh, we tied, at two thirty sixteen. We were in the top fifty out of about fifty five thousand. It was… 42? 43? Kilometers? Somewhere in there. We’ve run every year since, we keep tying for times,” Killua finished with a grin. “It's one of the few things we make it home for, every year. So ah...how old do you remember being?”

Gon laughed at this. “It's not, I don't feel like a book with pages missing, Killua, I still  _ know _ I’m, what, twenty three? Twenty five? Hold on-” He reached behind him, grabbing his wallet. “What’s the date?”

“It’s July- Um, July....fifth. It’s 2019.” Killua smirked. “My turn.”

Gon dropped his ID from surprise. “What- no it's- shit, not fair Killua~”

He choked. It was too similar. Too similar and not similar enough. It sounded the same, but the familiarity, the knowing, it was gone. Hollowed. He just wanted-

The seatbelt light blinked on, indicating that takeoff was soon. He shifted around, head down so his bangs covered his face. “It is fair. That was a question.” He tried to quietly take a breath, but it shuddered in his chest. He coughed to cover it. “Anyways- It’s my turn, fair and square. What did you really think when you first saw me?”

“That’s not fair, I don't reme-” Gon clamped his mouth shut. “Oh. You mean when...in the hospital earlier.”

“Duh.”

Killua watched as, curiously, Gon started to blush. Just a bit on his ears and at the top of his cheekbones. “Uh. Well. That nurse had mentioned they were getting my...companion. Their word. So I thought-” The blush was slowly growing. “They made it sound like my partner. Er, significant other. Um…” The blush was still spreading.

Killua heaved a sigh of relief. “Oh, they told you? I mentioned something about how we lived together. That nurse is sharp. But yeah, we've been together a while.”

Gon swallowed. “And by together, you mean..?”

Grin sharp and toothy, Killua leaned close. “Yep. Together. A couple. In the same bed.” Killua felt his own ears grow warm, but he couldn't resist. Usually he was on the receiving end of the teasing. The power may be getting to his head… “You still haven't said what you thought when you saw me. And I even let you have another question,” Killua drawled, tilting his head to the side.

Gon swallowed again. “Shit, you...you’re right. Um. I...I thought you looked strange.”

The smirk dropped from Killua’s face. “What.”

“Y- you, um, you look strange. Because I’m colorblind. You, uh, you glow. Compared to other people, you glow.” Killua kept staring. “And your- your eyes are really pretty, and you’re my height. It’s nice, I felt tall compared to some of the staff but we’re eye level. And you...look really good in skinny jeans.”

He wasn't sure how to process that. Gon thought he  _ glowed? _ He’d never mentioned that before. He knew about the colorblindness -tritanomaly- but he  _ glowed? _

“That makes no sense. But whatever. You answered the question. Next question. Do you remember how you got this?” Killua leaned in, tapping on a scar peeking out from above Gon’s t-shirt collar. His finger ghosted down, following the line of the scar around the edge of his shoulder. 

Gon clapped a hand over where Killua had touched, face red again.  _ “No,  _ I don’t-”

“Gentlemen,” the stewardess appeared, smiling. “The plane has leveled out, may I interest you both in menus?”

“Yes, please. My companion and I were just thinking about food.”

She nodded, turning away for a moment before handing them both a piece of heavy cardstock. Gon frowned at it while Killua glanced, calling the stewardess back. “I’ll have the English tea, please, and he’ll have the satay chicken with sriracha and extra chilis?”

The stewardess took back both menus with a nod, turning away.

Gon huffed and stuck his lip out in a pout, bringing one leg up to rest his chin on. “Do you usually order for me?” He rubbed the spot on his neck Killa had touched, lingering on the scar. “And could I ask you to say you're going to touch me before you do?”

Killua almost scoffed. “Sometimes, yeah. You’ve ordered that before. Ah, sure, I can do that. No touching without permission, got it. Sorry. Does that count as a question too?”

“That was a request, not a question,” Gon snapped, leaning back in his seat while he shifted his knee back and forth. 

Killua’s mind reeled. “What  _ part _ from this morning?”

Gon smirked. “Heh, got you. Another question for me~ Tell me about this morning, me hitting my head, the bullets...who was shooting at us?”

Killua scowled, rubbing at his chin. This would be tricky. He was still mad at Gon for speaking his mind in front of a drug lord, but… “We were interviewing some locals about a reserve, their opinions, thoughts, that sort of thing. You ask questions, I translate, back and forth. But, well, we stand out. We’re both pretty light skinned for the area, but you always have this way of getting people to talk, no matter the circumstances. You greet everyone, so some local guys thought we were strange. They thought we were undercover as feds or...whoever over sees that kind of thing, I’m not sure. But if you ask me that's a pretty lame cover up, especially with me around. I stand out no matter where I am.”

“Right, the glowing.”

“I dont- that’s not it, stupid. I’m just  _ really _ pale, okay? Anyways, we got asked some questions, by we I mean I did, but then-” Killua frowned. Normally he'd just be out with how mad he was, Gon was usually more level headed about being out in the field, but for some reason… “I dunno, one of them said something, and suddenly they were trying to grab us. We managed to fend them off, and run back to the plane-”

“We arrived in a plane? Who flew us, where were they staying?”

“I fly- flew us there. I was able to rent a plane from someone we know. It was the easiest way to get around from the different reserves in the area, especially with how big they are in those areas.”

_ “You  _ flew us? That's so amazing, Killua! When did you get your license?”

“Hold on, you've asked  _ way _ more questions than me, it's getting uneven.” Not to mention embarrassing. Even with over half his life, his memories, gone, he still managed to make Killua squirm with compliments. “You, um, while you were in school, what was your best class?”

“Gym. Sports. Anything athletic or physical. It was what half of my scholarship was based on after all. I remember running for miles to get ready-” He halted, frowning.

Killua drew his legs up, hugging them. He was beginning to regret knowing how much of himself was in Gon’s life. His memories. “Next question, what’s your favorite season?”

Gon hummed, closing his eyes, head tilting side to side. “On the island? Mm, it's almost always the same there, but I love the fall when all the tourists leave and it’s just us and the fishermen. But in York New? Um….Winter. I love how it looks in snow. We didn't have snow much on the island, maybe a freak storm here and there… Yeah. I like snow.”

_ ‘Killua! Your face- is it red? You look cold, here, take my scarf. Come here-’ He giggled. ‘You're not even complaining about me hugging you, Killua! Maybe I like snow so much because of this.’ _

Killua rubbed his eyes, holding back more tears. He felt so tired, sluggish, his mind kept remembering the most random of things-

He scowled, chewing on his lip. “When I said...we were together, what did you think about that?” He’d already dug himself in  _ really _ deep...

It was dumb, Killua knew it. Gon had never shied away from telling Killua how he felt before, but this was different. They had grown to know and care for each other over six years, admitting their feelings after being apart for a whole year. Killua had always worried that Gon’s impression had been clouded by both of those factors. Even if it was a horrible accident that had led to this, Killua’s need for more information, more parameters, more factors to quantify  _ how _ Gon could possibly like him. 

This Gon was still the same, his reactions, his gestures. What had changed was how he looked at Killua now. This Gon didn’t know about late nights filled with counting stars, early morning runs around the city, dinner’s at the dorms when Killua snuck in and Gon brought up extra helpings for them to share. 

This Gon knew nothing of any of that. This Gon was seeing Adult Killua. And Killua was vain.

Gon’s face fell into a calm mask. “You’re really curious about what I think of you. Do I normally not tell you, Killua~”

“My question first. I get another one after this, you just asked another.”

“Mmm. You seem happy, talking about us. I like seeing the smile you get.”

“That...doesn't answer the question.”

Gon’s eyes went dark, heavily lidded. “I thought I must be very lucky to get to...stay beside you.” His voice was husky, quiet, tinted with...want.

Killua’s heart thumped, remembering promises made in that same voice on late nights.

It was then the stewardess came by, bringing their food. Killua asked how much longer till the plane landed as he took his tray, he felt like it had been  _ hours _ -

“We still have four hours of the flight, Mister Zoldyck.”

Killua bit back a sigh as he accepted his tray. The steeping Earl Grey steamed into his face in wafts, the slight orange zest making him miss the tea Alluka usually made him.

It was a special, very expensive brand that Gotoh had been handing off to Canary just for Killua. 

One of the few luxuries Killua missed.

“That looks more like dessert than an actual meal.”

“You know this is what I usually-” Killua’s usual retort died on his tongue. This Gon didn’t know what this was. He gritted his teeth, mad at himself for forgetting the situation he was in. For one whole moment, the ache had been gone. “Fuck off, Jesus Christ, Gon, it has  _ vegetables _ in it; it just looks pretty.”

His tea sandwiches were prettily stacked with cream cheese, cucumbers, watercress, and thin sliced root vegetables, like beets and carrots. Killua’s favorite thing about this meal was how sweet the sandwiches actually were, while still having enough vitamins to keep Gon off his back. Usually.

And the meal had tea cakes. And biscuits. With custard on the side. And the honey comb and heavy cream for his tea.

Gon was also eyeing Killua’s meal. “You must have one hell of a sweet tooth.”

_ ‘Sweets for Killua, spice for me. We make some pair, huh, Kil~lu~a~?’ _

“Just- Eat the satay before it gets cold.”

Gon picked up one wooden skewer as Killua scrapped some honey into his tea and filling the rest with cream. He nibbled one end off, eyebrows shooting up. “This... its kinda similar to-”

“Yeah, street chicken, I know.”

Bright eyes looked to Killua, shining with a light that made Killua swallow his tea harder than he expected to. He coughed into one hand, setting the cup aside. A hand rubbed small circles into his back, and Killua melted into the touch a little too quickly. He grabbed the wrist, pushing it away. “So... that rule about saying something before- before we touch each other. I think that should be for both of us.”

Gon knit his eyebrows together. “You're right, I’m sorry, Killua.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I said that since I don’t remember you. I didn’t think… since we were together, i thought you would like-”

“Just- lets stick with that rule. We're keeping things equal between us. Fucking A.” Killua missed Gon’s touch, but he’d never risk his sanity- or his heart - at the possibility that Gon would only touch him because of pity or some sense of duty at a life Killua painted for him. “Try it with the sriracha, you liked that.”

They ate in silence, Gon humming as he snacked on the peppers and satay, while Killua’s food felt like ash on his tongue. He was sorry he couldn't taste any of the sweets, but he didn't have it in him to set the food aside. He had to keep up the appearance of him being level, in control.

Not the raging whirlwind of sorrow, confusion, and fear he felt.

Killua set the tray in a cubical ahead of his seat, curing up into his seat and tucking his head against the window. “I’m going to get some shut eye for the next few hours. Wake me when we begin to land. The light,” he gestured to the seatbelt light, “will turn on.”

“Oh...sure, Killua. Rest well.”

_ ‘Lean over here, Killua. Sleep on my shoulder, you always sleep better next to me.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credit to cinip for betaing :)


	3. Their Space.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only he hadn’t dived for Killua, Gon would still remember him.
> 
> If only Gon didn't love Killua, they would still be out in the field, writing their story. Putting together quotes and imagery over street food and coffee in their boarding room.
> 
> If only Killua didn't love Gon, he wouldn't be feeling his heart break every time Gon looked at him with a blank expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Killua has a panic attack. and cries. lots of tears.

The plane landed safely, and Killua ordered the Uber to meet them. Thankfully, there were always a number of them hanging around the airport.

After waking Killua, Gon had stayed quiet. From his face, Killua knew it was the ‘I’m thinking’ quiet, the kind that made Killua more annoyed than concerned. He got like this when presented with a dilemma about whether to decide between his main goal and a more interesting distraction. 

In the Uber, Killua remembered more of what Gon had been like growing up. His whole childhood had been gilded with the goal of meeting up with his father. Every opportunity, every trial, every moment of quiet fame Gon had acquired in his youth had been to get him closer to meeting the only human that Killua knew who ran _away_ from Gon. It was an anomaly Killua tried not to think too hard about.

Ging was practically an alien compared to anyone else Killua had known. And he knew Illumi.

Gon had wanted to meet Ging his whole life. Traveling the world, Ging looked for interesting stories on archeology and anthropology, both in the museums and out. He was one of the most well known adventurers in this day and age, and jumped around the world like a game of leapfrog, country to country, continent to continent. Gon knew he’d have to face harsh trials just to find the man, so he trained and learned anything he thought he’d need for the bare minimum. 

Then he’d met Killua.

As the Uber pulled to a stop, Killua rolled out, taking the bags with him. Gon stepped out slowly, eyes wide, staring at a building across the street from them. “Are we at the apartment..?”

“Apar- We live in this house.” Gon turned, sucking in a breath. “Come on, hurry up. Alluka wants to make sure we're alive. She doesn't fully believe me half the time.” Killua walked up their front steps, unlocking the door. 

“Killua. Killua you can’t be serious, there's no way you own-”

“Gon, shut up and get inside. Leave your shoes there, ahead is the kitchen, then dining room. Bathroom is to the right. There’s- You can have the bedroom next to there. Here, your duffle.” Killua handed off one of the bags he’d been carrying. Technically, it was just the ‘clothing bag,’ since Gon and Killua were close enough in size that they had just been sharing clothes for the last few years. Killua was happy since he then got to dress Gon, and Gon was happy about it since then they both-

Gon _had_ been happy about it. This Gon didn't know about that.

He took the offered bag and walked away to the spare room. Killua went down the basement stairs to his space. _Their space_. Killua was immediately reminded of that by the pair of gaming consoles, the pair of slippers near the base of the stairs. In their bedroom Killua could see Gon’s hoodies he’d left folded on the bed. Gon’s clothes in the drawers. Gon’s-

Killua closed the door behind him, shoving his camera and laptop gear into the bed, tossing his phone to the pillows, before sliding to the floor, bed frame at his back.

It was too much. They’d been away for a month. Gon had been living with Killua in this bedroom for _years_ and he could still smell him-

The ache in Killua’s chest _burned,_ his lungs squeezed under the heavy thumping of his heart. Tears burned from the grime of traveling and Killua rubbing at his eyes. He tried to catch his breath, tried to get everything under control again, but a catch in his throat turned breathing into a chore. He was hyperventilating, the panic and fear of losing Gon, _his Gon,_ was crashing over him in fresh waves. He resided to holding his breath, fighting the quivering in his chest, anything to help the burn in his lungs. He’d been doing fine for hours, _why now-_

His door opened, and Killua flinched, gasping, throwing his arms over his face, but heard “Brother-” before being pulled into his sisters arms, tears already streaming down her face.

Killua pulled her close, burying his face in her dark hair, trying to breath in Alluka and home but the home _where Gon wasn’t there-_

“Al-luk-ka I-ii can’t-” tears streamed down his cheeks. He was shaking in her arms, beginning to gasp again. Alluka held him tighter around the shoulders, rocking him side to side, murmuring something that may have been a prayer Killua recognized from times with his grandma.

The prayer was paced, even, and Alluka repeated it over and over. Killua started to breathe in time with the pace, his mind stopped crackling like static. The tears eventually slowed, and the shaking was just a light tremor in his fingers and chest. He adjusted his hold so he could give Alluka a proper hug, pressing a kiss to her temple. His throat was still tight, so he offered her a shaky smile.

She returned it. “Brother. It’ll be okay. It’s Gon. He loves you. He’ll be back to his old self before too long. Being home will help.”

Killua might have believed her if not for the quiver in her smile, and the fidgeting from knee to knee. 

He gave her head a pat, pulling them both up. “I’m-” he rasped, “uh, going to shower. I’ll just be a minute. If Gon is, uh, out of- of his room, um, m-maybe show him around?”

Alluka gave a solemn nod. 

~

Killua kept the shower as cold as he could bare it, trying to cool the burn in his face and chest, trying to wake him up, trying to let the water wash away any of his emotions. He didn't need them right now. Emotions had gotten them into this God damn-

He thumped his head on the shower wall. If only Gon hadn’t gotten upset, they wouldn't be in this situation. If only Gon had just kept his head like he had twenty, sixty, hundreds of times before, he wouldn't have gotten the concussion.

If only he hadn’t dived for Killua, Gon would still remember him.

If only Gon didn't love Killua, they would still be out in the field, writing their story. Putting together quotes and imagery over street food and coffee in their boarding room.

If only Killua didn't love Gon, he wouldn't be feeling his heart break every time Gon looked at him with a blank expression.

Killua blindly reached, cranking the water to its coldest setting before flipping it back, the shift giving him enough of a shock to finish washing his face and hair.

~

Upstairs, Killua found Gon admiring a photo Killua had taken a few years back. Most of the photos in the house had no people in it. They were bright and colorful, or black and white when the patterns had mesmerized Killua so much he felt the color took away from what he had found beautiful. They were all precious to him, and yet not a one showed who he loved most. It was his way of keeping them safe, should the worse happen.

The one Gon was admiring was black and white. It was of a tidepool they had found, coral and reef creatures staying along the rocky edge.

“This one is...from near my hometown?”

“Yeah, we all went there one summer. You, me, and Alluka. We wandered the whole island while Alluka stayed with Mito. It was, um, right before we graduated. The summer before our senior year.”

Gon returned it to its original spot. “The, uh, the bedroom, that’s not one I usually stay in. Is it.”

Killua’s throat tightened. He’d forgotten that the room had officially been stripped of anything of Gon’s last year, all of his possessions moving to Killua’s room. Several friends had stayed in the room since, so it had been cleaned a few times since then. “Ah, no.” He turned, heading to the kitchen. “It was yours when you first moved in. You were...in my room for a while. That’s always been the spare bedroom, you only lived in it for a year before...before we agreed it was easier for you to just be in the basement with me.”

“How long have I lived with you, Killua?”

“You moved in when we were 19.”

“And...when did we become a couple?”

Alluka leaned around the corner, beaming at the two. “Ha, now _that’s_ a fuzzy timeline to place. You ask that as if one day you two started hanging out more, or suddenly went on more dates.”

“You- '' Killua lunged, smiling at his sister. He ruffled her hair until it started to stick up and she was giggling helplessly. 

“But it's true, Brother!”

Killua glances at Gon, trying to gauge his reaction. He’d been trying to downplay how much time they spent together, he thought. He didn't want Gon to feel obligated towards him. That was the last thing he ever wanted, to keep Gon because of something as flimsy and superficial as a memory. Or worse, the promise of a memory he couldn't even place.

Gon was sniffing the air, looking around the kitchen. “What am I smelling? Its…” he paused, breathing in again. “It smells _really_ good.”

Alluka hoped away from Killua, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “It's my own special tater tot casserole! It's got all of our favorite veggies, it's _just_ spicy enough that Killua can still eat it, and _I’m_ the only one who can make it.” She finished with a wink and a twirl of skirts. “You two set the table, the casserole should be out in a few minutes. Brother, could you get me a club soda?”

“Of course, dear sister.” Killua rummaged through the fridge for her drink, grabbing himself lemonade. “Gon, what-” when he turned, Gon was right there. “What, ah...do you want to drink?”

He was looking into Killua's eyes like he was searching for something. Killua’s heart was hammering in his throat.

Gon always had this effect on him. He was golden brown eyes that lit up like a fire, he was high cheekbones and wide, bright smiles. He smelled like browned sugar and clean detergent, and he was the perfect height for Killua to just lean forward to-

_“Brother,_ get out of the kitchen! Gon, grab your water, it's all you ever drink this late at night anyways.”

Gon leaned away to blink at Alluka before grinning sheepishly. “I guess Zoldycks that know me well, huh?”

“The, uh, plates are there, silverware in the top drawer below it. Ill, I'll get your water,” Killua turned away, instantly missing the heat from Gon being so close.

Table set, drinks placed, Alluka finished the table setting with a large casserole dish at the center. She also added two bowls of different cheeses, one Gon immediately grinned at. “Queso fresco? Does it go with it well?”

Alluka shrugged, “You’ve always liked them together.”

The other dish was a shredded blend of white cheeses. Alluka and Killua covered their serving in it while Gon seemed to be appraising his serving. 

“So what’s in it?”

“Dude, she won’t _tell_ us. Just put your damn crumbles on it and dig in.”

They ate in silence for the next few minutes. Killua watched Gon smile after a few bites from different parts of the casserole, then made eye contact with Alluka. She gave him another wobbly smile in return.

She felt it too. It was off. Everything was _off_. The spice that had been warming his tongue faded and the rest of the meal continued to be tasteless. Not even the homemade lemonade, which he knew would be a perfect amount of tart and sweet, had much taste.

Half way through his plate, he pushed the chair out and collected it as well as the baking dish. 

“I’ll clean up, then go to bed. I’m….feeling pretty tired again.”

“Are you actually going to sleep tonight?”

The plate slipped from stiff fingers, shattering on the tiled floor. No one moved. Killua and Alluka both were staring wide eyed at Gon, who frowned, one hand covering his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i cried writing this
> 
> anyways come yell at me in the comments or on twitter!!
> 
> A big thank you, again, to cinip for betaing


	4. Sweep Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m...not good at talking. Talking was your thing. You can read my mind as soon as you look at me, so I’ve never… never had to be open. Does that make sense?”
> 
> Gon nodded.
> 
> “Which means….I never asked you how you felt. If I can't even be open about myself, how could I ask that of you? So, on the plane, I’ll admit it, I was a bit embarrassed. But I was also… I’m sad. I miss you. I miss my Gon. You’re him, you sound like him, look like him, act like him. But something’s missing. And every time I realize that, I just get...more sad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy, My notes are kinda acting funny so excuse that, I'm trying to fix them.
> 
> TW: mentions sex. more crying. plus we have a big ol' flashback at the end, idk if anyone has issues with the ant arch? but theres some parallels with that coming up here and the next two chapters.
> 
> Anyways thank you all again!

The plate slipped from stiff fingers, shattering on the tiled floor. No one moved. Killua and Alluka both were staring wide eyed at Gon, who frowned, one hand covering his mouth.

_ ‘Oh? Do you think you’ll actually sleep tonight, Killua?’ _

“Wh...y do you...ask?” Killua spoke slowly. He could still feel the ache from his panic attack earlier.  _ Keep your breath slow and even… _ _ it was the same, it was Gon, it sounded like him, it felt- _

“Do... I’m sorry, that came off as more rude than... than it sounded in my head. Um, don’t, ah, do you normally not sleep well?”

_ Not since I started sleeping with you-  _ “I... I sleep fine, these days.” Killua turned away, dragging the garbage over to slowly pick up the broken plate.

It wasn't a complete lie. It wasn't even a lie, really. He had yet to sleep a night without Gon by his side. He slept well, for him, beside Gon. But the fear of Gon never remembering them _ , him,  _ had already created some reality in Killua’s mind where he’d never sleep next to him again, and in turn, never sleep again. The fear of a sleepless life fed the panic lingering in his heart.

“Killua, let me help, it’s my fau-”

_ “Gon, _ stop, just stay there, I don’t want you to step in it. Just- grab the broom.”

“Right.” He spun, going to the main entryway. Killua blinked, realizing he wouldn’t know where to go,  _ that was stupid, _ but then Gon came back with the broom in hand. “Here, Killua, let me sweep-”

Kilua  _ leaped, _ spinning away, trying to hide the smile that crept onto his lips. “You found the broom.”

“Yeah it-'' Gon caught on. “Holy shit I found the broom. I just- You said- I found the broom! YES!” he boomed, arms stretched up high, still holding the broom. 

It was small. It was such a small thing it was laughable, but it proved, beyond the doubt in Killua’s mind, that Gon could remember. That the memories were there.

Alluka’s giggle was part sob, clapping her hands enthusiastically. “You’re remembering! Oh my goodness, Gon-” Tears started to flow down her cheeks. She jumped up, chair toppling over. “I’m sorry, please excuse me-” she ran upstairs, hands over her face.

“Allu-” Gon started, panic on his face. “This...this is a good thing, right? Right? But you… Why...why are you two crying?”

Killua’s face morphed into shock. “Wha- I’m not- I don’t  _ cry-”  _ but he touched his face, feeling wet marks. “Fucking- Jesus fucking Christ, Gon, you’re so  _ dense _ -” Killua scrubbed at his face. The relief felt bitter, sharp, too cold, washing through his limbs.

“Let’s finish cleaning up. I just- I’m tired, jet lag.” Gon was staring at him with a look akin to-  _ was that fucking pity-  _ “Don’t fucking look at me like that, you jerk.”

“Right, sorry, Killua.” He finally started using the broom, bringing food scraps and ceramic shards to the dust pan. Killua grabbed a rag and wiped down the floor, fighting an odd piece of cheese.

Once the floor was clean, he set to packing up the food, portioning it between four pieces of tupperware.

Gon put the broom away, giving Killua time to splash water on his face and scrub it clean. Returning, he picked up the fallen chair, before standing just behind Killua.

“Who’s the fourth for?”

“Canary, our...she oversees our finances, makes sure things are paid for, helps with the house.” He paused. “Alluka and me aren't exactly a wealth of knowledge when it comes to everyday things. Canary makes sure we don’t fuck up too badly.”

“Sounds like a difficult job.”

“Fuck off.”

Gon giggled,  _ the fucking psychopath. _ “You're cute when you get riled up like that.”

“I  _ said _ fuck off, I’m not above running you through,” he retorted, closing the fridge on the leftovers.

“Oh, I believe it.” Gon’s grin grew. “How, or really, which way?”

Killua choked. It was a shockingly clear mental image, Killua had to fight the blush creeping up his face. “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”

  
Gon tugged on an earlobe, looking away. “Mm, well, you might be right, but I’m not exactly sorry I said that.”

It was a strange blend of creeping fear, and pride in his looks, his vanity. The fact that Gon found Killua attractive was blaringly obvious. While that sparked a small amount of hope, it was soured by the possibility that this Gon only liked Killua because of his looks, his body.

Sex was a fantastic thing between Killua and Gon. It was Killua’s favorite high, riding on intense emotions that left him feeling like putty to be reshaped by Gon’s affection. And Killua had done the same to Gon, fucking him into a world of ecstacy that was just for them, no one else.

But sex with Gon now, the Gon that hadn’t tried to hold Killua all day, hadn’t leaned into him like a cat in the sun. The thought of sex with this Gon would be meaningless, the same as sex with a stranger. 

The thought made Killua want to be sick.

Rather than address it, Killua turned, walking to the basement. Gon followed. At the start of the stairs, Killua spun on him. “Where are you going?! Your room is that way,” gesturing towards the spare.

“But I want to stay with you a bit longer, Killua.”

“I told you I’m going to bed. I’m not up for talking any more tonight. I’ve been awake for….over twenty hours now.”

“So you didn’t sleep on the plane.”

Killua’s mouth twisted. “No. I fucking didn’t.” He’d  _ thought _ he could trick this Gon, at least a little bit. He hated how easily he saw through Killua.

“So did you not want  _ me _ to ask anymore questions, or were you embarrassed by the questions you asked?”

_ Fucking see-through, Killua was basicly transparent when it came to Gon, no one else saw through his so easily- _

“Just- come down to the basement, we...can talk for a little bit.”

At the base of the stairs, Killua put his slippers on, not wanting to deal with the cold tile. He rounded the corner, laying across the lounge chair incorrectly, back and legs propped up by the armrests. 

Gon sat in the middle of the futon, back stiff. 

Killua scowled at that. “I know you don't remember, but this is your space, too. You can relax a bit.” Gon grinned awkwardly at him, but didn’t move. Killua sighed, drawing his hands down his face.

He chewed on his lip, trying to figure out how to address Gon’s inquiry. “I’m...not good at talking. Talking was your thing. You can read my mind as soon as you look at me, so I’ve never… never  _ had _ to be open. Does that make sense?” Gon nodded. “Which means….I never asked you how you felt. If I can't even be open about myself, how could I ask that of you? So, on the plane, I’ll admit it, I was a bit embarrassed. But I was also…” Killua trailed off, biting a thumbnail. “I’m sad.” The admittance composed Killua. He met Gon’s eyes. “I miss you. I miss  _ my _ Gon. You’re him, you sound like him, look like him, act like him. But something’s missing. And every time I realize that, I just get...more sad.”

Killua rolled off the chair. “You can hang out down here. I don’t care.” He closed his bedroom door behind him. Alone in his room, he muffled a sob into the palm of his hand before biting it. The pain cut through the need to cry, allowing him to breath slowly through his nose. 

He stripped down to his boxers, rummaging through his dresser for-

He found a shirt from their high school. They weren't even sure whose it was. They only had one, they could never figure out who had lost theirs and who hadn't. Instead it sat in the drawer, neither of them wanting to take away the shirt in case the other wanted it. 

_ Gon isn’t missing it now. _

The shirt smelled stale, it hadn’t been washed in- Killua wasn’t really sure when it had been washed last. Had it been months? Years? 

But the smell of the pungent, cheap wood of his dresser had Killua crying from relief. It was one of the few things in the house that wouldn’t smell like Gon. 

Killua was actually dreading going to bed. It was  _ their _ bed, no matter how much time passed. The same with the futon in the game room. He couldn’t count how many times they’d crashed there instead of their bed.

Smelling Gon hurt too much. The  _ want _ to reach out to him even though it  _ wasn’t the same _ was tearing his heart to pieces. Being so close to the love of his life while not being able to touch him, to have him  _ recognize Killua _ , it was worse than when they’d parted after high school. 

Back then, Killua hadn’t known why he missed Gon as much as he did.

He’d missed Ikalgo, he’d missed Zushi, he’d even missed most of his professors. 

None of them compared to how much he’d missed Gon during that one year. 

~

After the incident with Kite and the misfortune that followed Meruem's team, Killua and Alluka had to step away from everyone they knew so their family wouldn’t find them. Once Killua, and then Alluka, turned 18, their family would have no say over anything they did. Especially Illumi. 

Hiding meant no communication. He’d told Gon that, when they’d parted ways, in the same park where Killua and Gon had spent far too much time stargazing. Gon had understood, had been quick to tell Killua he’d be waiting for the sign that they could meet again. That he couldn't wait to see Killua again.

But Killua quickly put together how much worse it was in practice. 

No texts. No phone calls. No emails. No chats through servers. Not even handwritten letters or postcards. Milluki, and thus Illumi, would be able to find them. 

Growing up, Killua and Alluka had received an ‘allowance’ every month as soon as they’d learned what money was. This allowance was outrageous to almost anyone else, but pocket change to Silva Zoldyck. 

Killua had carefully saved that allowance for years, withdrawing it in random amounts of cash to use for this exact thing. 

When they ran, they’d found a run down studio apartment for more than what it actually was worth, but they took cash and didn’t look too hard at the name on the lease. 

Canary had found them almost a month in, styrofoam boxes stacked high, fridge crammed with half eaten rice boxes. She ‘persuaded’ the tenant next door to let her rent there instead, in their name, and Canary covered their newer, nicer apartment as well as the studio.

Canary had graduated with a bachelor in Financial Management, allowing her to oversee the cash funds Killua had saved up with a far greater amount of sense than he could ever fathom. She also took care of their groceries and books for school, and while they couldn’t register, they could easily figure out material to study for the course requirements. 

They fell into an easy cycle, hardly no change for 3 months. Then Killua turned 18. 

It wasn’t a monumental change, but the time ticking away from when Killua could see Gon again was enough to make realize how much he missed him.

His smile. His laugh. The easy way he complimented Killua with no hesitation, no ulterior motive. 

The easy way Killua could breath around him. Never being told how to act, how to talk. The freedom of Killua being just  _ Killua _ to him, not a Zoldyck, not a genius, not the family favorite, not the up and coming starlet.

He missed him far more than he thought possible.

To distract from the pain, he instead divided his time into studying, and buying a house to fix it up. 

If the family found Alluka and dragged her back, Killua would go with. But if they found Killua, attempted to take him, that would be attempted kidnapping. 

So Killua, with Canary’s assistance, carefully, slowly, crept back into the outside world. 

They found a fairly well priced house, something that needed fixing up but was livable, on a quieter residential area in York New. Using a new bank account and a loan, he purchased the house. He and Canary managed to convince the bank he could pay it off in 8 payments, just in time for Alluka’s birthday. 

And so they began to fix it up.

YouTube was his most used App for about 6 months. He learned how to repair drywall, wire lighting and speakers, he tiled floors, and slept on the ground in a sleeping bag. Canary made sure he didn't starve, painted cabinets, primed and painted walls and ceilings and trim. They only had to call in professional help, a plumber, after Killua almost electrocuted himself by letting a wire too close to the water line.

At last, the slightly run down house was some semblance closer to ‘home.’ At least Alluka called it that.

_ “Our new home, Brother!” _

Every time she said that, Killua had to smile. Alluka was the one who hadn’t grown up with a home, a place to be comfortable in. She’d been sent off to live with random family members, eventually staying with their grandmother until she died. Their parents were always too busy to bother with the one child they couldn’t understand. 

But Killua would make sure she’d have a home for the rest of her life. It would be hers, and no one could take it away.

Alluka’s space, the upper level, was his special project. He opened up the whole level, expanding the bath to include a huge, old fashioned claw tub, tiled in off white porcelain and gold. Repairing the drywall, redoing all the support beams to be exposed, grand, weathered. Windows, as many as he could. Mahogany wood floors, trim, crown molding, staining the exposed beams to match. Curtains, sheer and pastel, the walls covered. Old school, floral wallpaper, the kind that was beige with small framed flowers and petals drifting down. He found antique furniture, stripped and then so they were just a touch lighter than the flooring and trim. He put a built-in bookshelf along one whole wall, filled with knick-knacks and framed photos. He found a large privacy screen and decorated it to match the bedding: cream colored with russet and mauve peonies, full bloomed and petals loosening. 

The final touch: a photography studio in one corner. A large white backdrop hung from ceiling to several feet across the floor, lighting stands and light reflectors, and a digital dslr camera set up on a tripod. An old fashioned privacy desk sat in the corner of the room, laptop hidden under the slider.

He’d never seen Alluka smile as wide as when she’d first seen  _ her _ room. 

The night of her 18th birthday, they waited in their tiny, shared studio until the clock turned midnight, blowing out a candle on a small store bought cupcake. Once the smoke died out, Killua scooped his sister into his arms, twirling around and around.

“Brother! Brother, stop, I’m going to be sick-“

“We did it! We’re safe!  _ You're  _ safe! We can go to the house! We can go home now!”

Alluka laughed, throwing her head back and it was loud and wonderful. Too long had they kept quiet, peeking past shadows. 

“You don’t have to call it that if you don’t want to, Brother.” Killua frowned at that. “‘Home.’ Just because it’s my home doesn’t mean it’s yours.” She grinned, the twinkle in her eye absolutely joyful and mischievous. 

Killua pressed his lips into a thin line. He wasn’t sure he liked people being able to read him so easily.

“Call him. You can call him now, brother. Call your ‘home.’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im just... testing these notes, cause they acting up. anyways, if this shows up where its supposed to, come yell at me on twitter, i have a playlist posted for this fic :D


	5. For Granted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Gon gave a soft smile in return before holding up five fingers. “I have five dates forever etched into my heart. Should I list them?”
> 
> His smile grew a slight edge that made Killua want to swallow hard. “You? Remember? Tell me now, I have to know,” he drawled instead.
> 
> “Auntie’s birthday,” he started, tucking his thumb down. “My birthday, Alluka’s, yours, and,” with each name he folded another finger before his eyes grew hard and he finished with “the day they found Kite.”'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There's yelling. And anxiety. STRONG EMOTIONS. Gon grabs Killua w/o his permission. But nothing more serious than that. We all get emotional. I cried.

_While he has been sorting through photos; deleting ones that could very obviously not be used, squinting at others that were eventually put into the ‘maybe’ folder, and immediately putting aside the ones that were definitely in the running; Gon had been playing with his fingers almost constantly for the last five minutes. It was getting_ very _distracting._

_He moved three more photos, cropped one, then approved it to the ‘maybe’ folder, before he finally closed his laptop and turned towards Gon._

_“What are- why are they pink.” He finished his question with carefully placed disgust._

_“You’ve been picking again.” Gon explained patiently. Neither of them had moved their hand away from the others._

_Gon had been placing bandaids around three of his 5 digits, covering the nail beds that had gone dry or were now red._

_The problem was that they were Sanrio themed._

_“Where did you even get them?_ When _did you get them?!” He tried to place the last time they had been anywhere that would even sell such a thing._

_They were in some small town south of Damascus. The café was the closest thing to American comfort-food Gon could find in twenty miles, and was only a ten minute walk from the boarding house. No where could Killua imagine Gon finding bandaids like these._

_“Alluka sent them, I picked up her care package yesterday.”_

_“Yester- I was on the phone with her for hours yesterday, she didn’t mention anythi-“ he paused and blinked slowly to cover the eye roll aimed at himself. “She told me she had a date. And that she wouldn’t be available for a few days. That was when you went out to grab coffee. I can’t believe the two of you conspired against me like that!” His mock outrage was revealed to be a bold faced lie when seeing how still he kept his hand and that Gon was now placing a fourth bandaid near a scrape above a knuckle._

_Gon grasped the bandaged hand in both of his and pulled it close to his chest. “Are you...going to take them off?” He widened his brown eyes and stuck out his bottom lip, just a hair._

_Why does he do that face everytime-_

_“No! If Alluka sent them for me why the hell would I do that?!” He finally, carefully, pulled his hand back from the grinning fool._

_He inspected the damage: The classic icon of Hello Kitty turning her head to wink, framed by light and dark pink stripes was running across his middle nail bed, while the ones on his index and pinky were covered by bows. Across his knuckle was one of just her head, multiple, diagonally dotting across the whole bandaid. The bandages were thoroughly placed so they would not easily come off, all of the damaged skin covered. He glanced at his right hand, still resting on the laptop. As far as damage, that one was in worse shape, one spot on his middle finger had bled and dried since they had left their room for breakfast._

_“What have you been thinking about?” Gon inquired quietly. Killua did his best not to flinch. Gon’s eyes moved to follow the jump of his non-bandaged hand made, damned traitor. Killua turned his eyes to Gon’s and inclined his head slightly, questioningly. He tried to slide his hand out of view when Gon made eye contact-_

_“Is it because of the anniversary?”_

_One finger immediately moved to pick at one of the other finger tips, only to meet pink plastic and adhesive. Killua immediately started to chew his lip before huffing and throwing him a wry smile, “I thought you didn’t know what day of the week it was, much less the date.”_

_Gon gave a soft smile in return before holding up five fingers. “I have five dates forever etched into my heart. Should I list them?”_

_His smile grew a slight edge that made Killua want to swallow hard. “You? Remember? Tell me now, I have to know,” he drawled instead._

_“Auntie’s birthday,” he started, tucking his thumb down. “My birthday, Alluka’s, yours, and,” with each name he folded another finger before his eyes grew hard and he finished with “the day they found Kite.” He dropped his tight fist onto the table top._

_“Oh? Those five huh?” Killua spoke fast and dry, trying to get the usual sunshine back into his friend’s eyes. “Are you at capacity or do you plan to add more to that list?” Killua reached and tapped Gon’s knuckles gently, one at a time._

_Gon’s index finger reached and wrapped around Killua’s. “Maybe just one more. I might fry my brain with any more than that,” He murmured with a warmth to his tone that made Killua’s heart melt. “But before that!” He stood up and tucked his hands behind his head, a blush forming across his cheeks and nose. “Let's get a move on, I know we need to catch the next train in a few hours, right? We should pack.”_

_Killua popped the last bite of pastry into his mouth and downed his cooled tea. He cast a quick glance at a nearby waitress and waved at her before catching up to Gon._

_~_

Killua woke, still sitting, hunched in the corner of a room. The idea of sleeping in his bed had nauseated him so much he’d forgone the whole idea. And Gon was too quiet for Killua to tell if he’d actually left the futon. 

Standing, raking a hand through his hair, grabbing his phone from the bed where he'd thrown it...six hours ago. 

No one could say he hadn’t slept. Three hours was almost a record when compared to his distant, past nights of insomnia. 

He reasoned that one cycle of REM sleep was enough. Instead, he could start on his work. 

He peaked out his door, listening for Gon’s snores.

Silence.

He left his door open and pulled on the hoodie he’d tossed last night. A hoodie and boxers were, in no way, the least decent he'd been around the house. Laptop in hand, phone in pocket, plus the reel of his personal photos to develop, he bee-lined for his desk, booting up his PC. He set his laptop and phone down at the desk, opening the door to his dark room to set the spool in. 

He wondered if Gon would have the sense to not open it should he see it.

When he closed the door to his dark room, the desktop cast enough light in the space that Killua could now see a dark shape sitting on the futon.

He gasped, falling into a crouching position, door at his back, waiting for his eyes to adjust.

The threat of Illumi was distant but never gone from Killua’s mind, but standard intruders were also a possibility. 

But no. “Killua?” Gon’s voice broke the silence, not helping the rapid beat of Killua's heart. His voice was soft, tired, not the drowsy kind of him just waking.

“You idiot,” Killua hissed, “why the fuck didn’t you go to bed?

One of the perks of building an entire house was that you could add as much soundproofing as you liked. If Killua shouted, someone _might_ hear him from the basement. If Alluka shouted from upstairs, Killua wouldn’t have known. 

But Gon didn’t know that, right now. “Killua…” he whispered, “Killua, I heard you crying.”

Killua shot up from his defensive crouch, spinning around. “Fuck off. Just go to bed. I can’t deal with this right now.” If he looked at Gon, he knew he’d crumble. Any resolve he’d built up in the last few hours, resolve to not touch Gon, to not miss his touch- it would all be gone. 

“Killua,” Gon’s voice broke, terror gripping Killua as he realized _Gon was crying_. “Killua, please. I know you were crying. In the kitchen, and- I heard- earlier, your eyes were bloodshot. And I heard you and Alluka. I saw her run down the stairs, I heard you crying. And then when you- you went to bed. You cried then too. Killua, Killua please, I just-“

“Just _what,”_ Killua snapped. Gon’s face was shadowed, distorted, far away from Killua. “What do you want from me?! You don’t know me. I had to introduce myself to you this morning. Can you imagine? I’ve spent the last fourteen years of my life with you, and I had to tell you who I was. Do you think this is _easy_ for me? Do you think this is _fun?_ Talking about what I remember, realizing how much I took for granted? For the last seven years of my life, you’ve looked at me as if I hung the moon in the sky, and until this- until yesterday morning, I’d scoff at you, shove your face away. Now you don’t look at me like I’m _anything to you._ I have pictures all over this house, pictures I took with you right beside me, and they mean nothing to you. I spent a whole year of my life not being able to talk to you, missing you, missing the one person in my life who made _me_ feel safe, feel welcome, and you don’t even know my birthday.

“You may look like him, you may sound like him, but right now I can’t stand the sight of you without it making me sick. Get the fuck out of my room. Go upstairs, get away from me. I mean it.”

He walked into the dark room, slamming the door behind him. 

He held his breath, counting. At last he heard the futon whine, and the muffled sound of socks across the floor.

He waited, ears straining to pick out the sound of footsteps going up the stairs.

Suddenly the door handle twisted in his grip, door flying open, Killua being dragged forward before he could think to let go of the handle. Warm arms wrapped around his waist, and Killua gasped for air. He blinked stars out of his eyes from holding his breath too long while trying to wrestle out of Gon’s grip. “Let me down, I swear to God I’ll really hurt you if you don’t _put me down_ you fucking _psychopath-“_

Killua was dropped onto his bed, camera bag sliding against his hip from where it had been set. Gon held Killua’s wrists above his head, a knee between Killua’s thighs to balance him. 

Trying to roll out of his grip, Killua cussed, “Jesus fucking Christ if you don’t _let me up_ I’ll gut you like-“

“Killua, stop, I won’t do anything, just please, listen to me. I wouldn’t dream of hurting you, believe me.” 

_‘I love you too fucking much to even dream of doing that.’_

His lungs ached, his chest shuddered. The anger was fading, the panic rising once again. He hated this, hated feeling so small, hated how small Gon sounded.

“Then fucking talk, spit it out.”

“I think…” but Gon trailed off, suddenly sounding uncertain.

“I swear if you don't say what you fucking _dragged me in here to say,_ I’ll scream.” It was an empty threat, but again, Gon wouldn’t know that.

“Your...your birthday. It's the 7th.”

Killua froze, his throat feeling tight. 

“It… I was looking at the calendar upstairs, nothing’s written on it, it wasn't even flipped to the right month. I think you guys stopped looking at it in February. But... I saw the picture for July, it’s arctic fox pups, and I thought, ‘oh, they turn white, they look like Killua,’ and suddenly-”

_‘Arctic foxes! Haha, they look just like you when they turn white, Killua! Aww, no fair, mine’s a grizzly bear cub!’_

“You, what, magically remembered? Suddenly your whole memory played before you? I swear to fucking God, if this is some ploy, make me think you actually remembered, just so that I’ll sleep with you, fucking _forget it-”_

“That’s- No, Killua, I know I joked about that earlier, _I’m so sorry,_ I really do think you're pretty, but I shouldn't have joked about that, God I feel terrible, but- you’re so cute, I love seeing your blush-”

_‘Killua! Your face is turning a funny color again! Did I say something, Kil~lu~a~ hmm?’_

“Shut up-” he tried to catch his breath, tried to keep it steady, but everything was too much right now. His heart was hammering in his ears and chest, he felt his whole body tremble from the force of it.

Would he die like this? Is this what heartbreak was? Would his heart jump out of his chest? 

Gon finally let go of Killua’s wrists, instead smoothing his thumb over Killua’s cheeks, forehead, ears, his nose, smudging the tear tracks that streamed across his temples.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was so hard on you, you’ve been so kind, you listen to me every time I ask you something, I must seem so dumb, I’m really an idiot-”

_“Well then I’m an idiot because I listened to you!”_

“I’m just some dumb idiot that always says the wrong thing, like how I always try to say I win the marathon, but its been a tie every time, or how I wasn’t the first one to tell you I love you, when you finally came back to me. I have letters, in a shoe box. I wrote to you every day, every time I missed you, sometimes I wrote two or three letters, Killlua, Killua, I’m so sorry.”

The tears were hot on his face. “Fuck, God, Gon, you- get _off_ of me, let go, I can’t-” he shoved Gon’s hands off of his face, pressing the heel of his palm into his eyes to stop them from streaming.

But Gon shook his head, voice quavering. “No, no, I won’t, never ever, you mean too much to me Killua, I love you too much to ever be away from you again. I know its my fault you’re crying right now, and I’m going to make it up to you, I know I will, I’ll- I’ll promise-”

“What, you’ll never get a concussion again? Never hurt yourself? I fell in love with some selfish idiot that finds a reason to fight just to prove his opinion of dogs is better than someone else’s-”

“It was a fight about an animal shelter-”

A sob ripped through Killua’s chest. “My point, exactly.” The banter, oh how he’d missed the bantering. Half conversations between each other that made complete sense to the other, hours of it, like it was a private conversation only the two of them were privy to, even in the middle of a crowded room.

The tears still crawled past his palms, trailing around his ear.

“Gon. I’m going to sit up. You… you can sit on the bed too.”

Killua scooted back, rubbing his sleeve over his face, scrubbing at the tear tracks.

Gon shuffled forward, sitting so his knees touched Killua’s.

He breathed in shakily, grabbing Gon’s hands, holding them in his own. “So... _do_ you remember everything, suddenly?”

Uncertainty laced Gon’s voice, “It’s... less memory and more feeling. Like in a dream, you only see so much, but you _know_ a few more details than what’s actually going on. I have a few memories, I didn’t make them up. When I looked at the calendar, I saw the pictures of the baby animals, and I just... started saying the dates in my head and I’d have a thought, or I’d remember something I’d seen that day. Like May second, it was the day of your house party. It was a week after Alluka’s birthday, and your birthday is on July seventh, or the marathon in November, on the 3rd, but it’s always the first Sunday, ‘cause you complain it's the one Sunday you treat like you're in a religion, or… or April 6th. The day they found Kite’s body.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~I have no patience~ 
> 
> But I love so much of this chapter, i want the world to see it cause im PROUD.


	6. Hiding Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m glad I told you. I can’t remember... if it bothered me, not telling you. Now it's like... like a movie I saw once, but I wasn't focused on the movie at all when it was playing. I don't have as much guilt about it. That I probably killed Pitou. But I'm sure I felt bad about keeping it from you. I don't like hiding things from Killua.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions fighting, blood, canon character death, Meruem and party, ahhh...  
> theres kissing! and mentions of sex! But nothing happens! And Consent is Sexy! Enjoy!

Gon’s grip tightened around Killua’s hands. He gave a nervous laugh, “I can’t tell if I’m happy I forgot that for a bit, or mad that I forgot about it. Do you remember how upset I was, Killua?”

“Do you remember how upset _I_ was, you idiot? You ran off without me, then almost died. I really- If Alluka hadn’t brought Nanika to you-”

“Ha, yeah, I remember that now.” Gon let go of one of Killua’s hands to stroke his cheek. “I’m sorry, I was so sad, I had even forgotten Killua in those moments. I didn’t mean to.”

It was too dark in his room to see anything. Killua’s black out curtains kept out any kind of light from creeping into the room. He reached, fingers tracing up Gon’s arm, over his t-shirt, all the way up to his shoulder. “Do you remember how you got this scar?” He ran his finger over the scar, back and forth, from the point on the top of Gon’s collarbone to around his shoulder, right before his shoulder blade. His fingers shook. The relief of Gon remembering something about Killua was making him feel light headed, jittery. 

“When I was in the jungle. I went after Meruem’s team member. Pitou. The big cat expert. I-” he paused, swallowing hard. “I never told you about this, before. Did I?”

Killua continued to trace the scar. Slowly. Back and forth.

“They… they admitted to being with Kite. Near the end. They said Kite got too close to the cliff’s edge. That he just fell. But how- his head-” He broke off with a shaky laugh. “But you know that part. That’s not what you’re asking about. We- we fought. They had a blade. I just wanted them to admit to it. That they let Kite die, I only had a recorder with me, but then they drew their blade, the one they used to cut through vegetation.

“They started swinging at me, I just wanted them to tell me the truth, I kept begging for them to just say it. They were screaming at me, about how they had to stay with Meruem, had to protect him. I think- I don’t know how long they had been sick by then. The whole group got exposed to that pollen way before I found them. I remember what it felt like, my insides-”

“Gon.”

“Right, sorry, they, they dove at me. Normally I’d dodge, but this rock, I can’t believe I didn’t notice it, they backed me against this huge rock, and lunged, but I was able to get around them, I thought I'd dodged the knife, but- the pollen, it must have still been on the blade, as soon as it cut me, my whole arm went numb, it burned, or, maybe it felt like it had frozen off, I couldn't- I could feel my brain trying to process what it was, what had happened, but it hurt so much, I thought my arm had been cut off, I’d look and only see red. I-”

He shuddered, leaning forward, head resting in Killua’s lap. “I really don't remember much after that. The… Ging, at the hospital, said the pollen spread through my blood like a poison, attacking my circulatory system, instead of the respiratory system like with Meruem and everyone and, and Komugi. It spread faster, but not in the same way. By... by the time you and Alluka and Nanika found me, I really was on my last leg.

“Pitou... Pitou was already dead, but the other two, I found out they died around the same time Nanika saved me. After you two left, when I got back to the hospital, everyone told me Meruem and Komugi had given an official last will, and they were going away somewhere private. He formally apologized, saying he suspected Pitou, but had no proof, but since they were dying, that was the closest penance they could offer. It- It's such-”

“Yeah, that sounds like that cool-headed bastard, from what I remember… Kite saying about him. I couldn't follow up too closely with the story, you were too much involved, I was... I was paranoid Piggy would use you to find me, use any information related to you.” Killua kissed the back of Gon’s neck, whispering, “I’m sorry I couldn't be there with you, for you. But as soon as Nanika helped you, I knew Illumi would freak, and he was out of the country still, doing damage control. It was the best time.”

Gon hummed an agreement, shifting forward so he could bury his nose into Killua’s side. He wrapped his arms all around, holding on tightly. Killua started combing through his hair. He was muffled, speaking through Killua’s hoodie. “I’m glad I told you. I can’t remember... if it bothered me, not telling you. Now it's like... like a movie I saw once, but I wasn't focused on the movie at all when it was playing. I don't have as much guilt about it. That I probably killed Pitou. But I'm sure I felt bad about keeping it from you. I don't like hiding things from you, Killua.”

He moved his nose, shifting the hoodie aside and pressing a warm kiss into Killua’s hip.

  
Killua flicked the back of his head with his finger. “Just ‘cause you remember doesn't mean-”

But Gon shook his head, lips going back and forth on his skin, sending a thrill up Killua’s spine. “I just wanna hold you. I missed kissing you. Holding you.” He moved his arms off Killua’s back, holding himself up as he leaned his face close to the crook of Killua's neck. His breath ghosted over Killua’s pulse. “Can I kiss you, Killua?”

Killua’s throat went dry. “Why the fuck are you asking, you never-”

“You asked me to, Killua, on the plane.” He shifted, breath moving to Killua’s ear. “I was mean to Killua, so now I’ll only do what you want me to,” he rasped, voice low.

Killua bit back a whine, both annoyed and suddenly _very_ turned on. “I- You- Fucking _idiot_ -”

“Kil~lu~a~” he sang, “tell me, Killua.”

His heart leapt to his throat. “Take- Take off my hoodie.” Gon complied, the shirt going too, fingers tracing up his sides, ribs, down his shoulders and arms. Goosebumps followed his touch. Killua shivered, hands limp in his lap as Gon threw the hoodie in the general vicinity of the laundry hamper.

“You… never cared about where my clothes landed before.”

“But now I want to prove what I _do_ remember, Killua. I want to… show off a bit.”

The challenge was heavy in his tone. Killua felt short of breath, tongue heavy. “Prove it?” he did his best not to slur. “Oh? What if I asked you to… kiss my scar, the one I got rock climbing near your hometown?”

He saw the dark shape of Gon lean towards him, breath hot on Killua’s face. “Yes, Killua.” His hands curled under Killua’s right knee, bringing his inner thigh to his lips. The kiss was soft, so soft, lips lingering. 

“A… and the one I got from that… that cub you picked up one summer.”

He grabbed Killua’s left hand, pulling it close to his face. “And… do what, Killua?”

His chest shuddered, all he felt was Gon, _his_ Gon, his presence and gaze and _everything._ “Fuck- Kiss it. Like you did that day.”

He hummed, turning Killua’s index finger so he could kiss the side of it, lips lingering before he wrapped them around the first joint, sucking slightly before letting go with a ‘pop.’

“Jesus fucking Christ, Gon, kiss, kiss me where the, the dart, the darts hit me-” Gon placed his hands on Killua’s shoulders, pushing him back into the bedding. He tipped his head down to the divot in Killua’s arm, his sternum, near his navel, and back up to the one between his collarbone and shoulder.

He lingered at that one, mouthing it, sighing into the scar. “I hated that your brother did that…”

“Well he got more than he gave.” Killua swallowed loudly. “You missed one.”

Gon hummed in agreement again, moving up to Killua's face, breathing past his lips, pushing his bangs back, and kissing the mark next to his hairline. 

This one was affectionate, sweet, almost causing Killua to melt into the bedding. He could feel Gon’s gaze trying to find his eyes in the dark. He brought his hands up to Gon’s face, pulling him down. “Kiss me.”

The kiss was slow, exploring. Gon’s lips dragged at Killua’s, sighing against them. He tipped his head in for another kiss, tongue tracing Killua’s mouth, pulling away slightly to chuckle in a low tone. Killua whined, dragging Gon down again, fingers twisting and pulling at his hair. _"Killua,"_ he sighed, breath hot.

Kissing Gon was like drinking in sunlight, it was warm and so _bright,_ Killua felt as if he'd burst into a supernova. Every time Gon said his name, sang it, whispered it, it made him want to weep from joy and scream with frustration because how could he feel _so much_ for one person? How was it possible?

It was all driving Killua mad. He wrapped his legs around Gon’s hips, rolling them over to straddle him, pin him down. He mouthed along Gon’s jaw, his neck, dragging his shirt out of the way to suck and bite at his collar bone. “Do you,” he said as he breathed in the scent of Gon's skin, dragging his lips to Gon’s ear, “have any idea how _angry_ I am with you?”

Gon was breathing hard, Killua felt his heartbeat stuttering under his fingers. “Um, angry? Killua?”

He pushed away from his chest, jabbing a finger into his sternum. “Yes. Angry. No, I’m _pissed._ The next time you decide to tick-off a drug lord-“

Gon groaned, trying to roll and hide his face from Killua in the bed, but he was still held in place by his thighs. “But Killua, he was flirting with you-“

“I don’t care if he was, almost everyone flirts with us-“

“I _know_ that, but-“

“It hasn’t been a problem for the last five years-“

“But she grabbed-“

“Literally not the point-“

“But-“

“‘But’ nothing, you should have known-“

“This time was differe-“

“How _the_ fuck was this any different, it was the exact same-“

“It’s- Killua, I’m- I wanted-“ Then he heard Gon’s teeth clack. 

“What. Spit it out, I thought you were being all honest and open with me.”

Gon was quiet. Too quiet. Usually he’d whine or grumble, but not right now. 

“Gon. Gon, what is it. You can’t- this is making me nervous, I’ve been fucking nervous for an entire day, I can’t keep-“ He was interrupted by Gon sliding up, pulling him into a hug.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to do that. I’m just... trying to remember if I had a better plan for this or if I had _no_ plan.”

“‘No plan’ _is_ usually your style.”

He giggled, pulling away to kiss Killua’s cheek. Then his nose. His forehead. His lips. Killua could feel the grin on his mouth. “If I tell you...it’s for your birthday, will you let me wait ‘til then? Just- one more day?” 

Killua scowled. “You’d better spill it before midnight that day, got it? Otherwise I’ll _really_ be mad at you.”

Gon dropped his head to Killua’s shoulder, sighing with relief. “Yes, Killua. You’ll know then.” He then yawned, shuddering. “Can we go to bed? I’m..so tired, that nurse scared me, saying I shouldn’t sleep without someone near me.”

“Your kidding, you haven't slept this whole time?” 

“Big talk from someone with insomnia.”

“Fuck off. So what the hell were you doing while _I_ was sleeping?”

“I told you, I found that calendar. You...I heard you crying, and I felt so _guilty_ for being the reason you cried. I went upstairs, trying to find… something. I saw the calendar, and it was weird ‘cause it was still showing February. You said it was July and… and then I was just going through all the dates, like I said.”

“So you, what, read a calendar for three hours?” 

“No… after I… remembered something, I just… sat, waiting for you to wake up. I didn’t want to wake you but then you just walked out, like you knew I was waiting.”

“That’s dumb,” Killua snapped, “I woke up ‘cause I was sleeping on the fucking floor beacasue I _missed_ someone who didn’t fucking remember who I was.”

Gon whined, “Killua-”

“Shut up, lay down, I need to clear off my bed, I'm not letting my camera crash to the ground because you tried to steal the covers.”

“I won’t need the covers if I have you…”

Setting the camera bag on his dresser, he scowled into the dark. “We’re _not_ fucking tonight. You’re on thin fucking ice. I’m still waiting for you to tell me whatever the fuck is eating at you.”

“Does that mean… I can’t hold you?”

Killua stepped up to the edge of the bed, leaning over him. “ _No,_ just, nothing more than that.” He shoved him over, taking his spot in the bed.

Gon giggled, hand trailing over Killua’s hip and around his waist, pulling him to his chest. “Oh, good, ‘cause I love holding Killua.”

His grip and words sent a shiver through Killua. He pulled the covers over his head, tucking into Gon’s chest. Killua pursed his lips, suddenly feeling shy. “... Gon? Can you… say it again?”

“Hm? Say what, Killua?”

He cursed. “The, um, part about… you loving-” But his throat felt tight, and his face was hot.

Gon giggled again, shaking the bed. “I love holding you? I love kissing you? I love snuggling with you in bed? I love that I can tell you anything, that I just told you I probably killed someone, and you just… keep being Killua? Keep loving me?”

“Well yeah, that- I suppose that-”

Gon tipped his head, interrupting Killua with another slow kiss. “Or… Was it ‘I love you, Killua?’” Killua grumbled at him. “I love you, Kil~lu~a~ I love you so much.”

-

They woke around seven in the morning, dragging themselves up the stairs for coffee and food. Killua’s stomach complained, loudly, from barely eating the previous day. As Gon prepared a huge serving of eggs, bacon, potatoes, and biscuits from the fridge, Killua enjoyed coffee, and the view, until caffeine helped him realize they would need more than two to three persons to finish the meal.

Phone in hand, he sent Alluka a quick text.

-

**Today 7:13am**

_Call the cavalry._

_(Photo)_

_!!!_

_OMG_

_Is Gon cooking??_

_WAIT_

_REALLY_

_Yeah_

_Idiot kinda snapped out of it…_

_This morning?_

_Something like that_

_OH_

_Oooh I'm so happy_

_Oh_

_Wait_

_What_

_You have to tell Leorio and Kurapika_

_What_

_Why_

_You have to tell them Gon got amnesia_

_Shit_

_Haha poor, Brother~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, i love this one tumblr post that starts with "isnt it sexy when your partner just grabs you to kiss you" and someone replys with "Um??? Consider?? Them whispering 'can i kiss you?? xherex??' Etc???" and i just love that idea so much so :D
> 
> ANYWAYS I CANT BELIEVE I GUESSED THE RIGHT NUMBER OF CHAPTERS  
> AND I ALSO CAN'T BELIEVE I STARTED THIS ON THE 14th AND HERE WE ARE?!  
> Also also, Gets Gone will be getting cute fluff cause of emotional support (for me)  
> Maybe angst later, idk, its GOOD but PAINFUL

**Author's Note:**

> A big THANK YOU to cinip for betaing!
> 
> Be sure to yell at me on twitter! I'll also be posting related info there, and a playlist!


End file.
